Tongue like a spike in my own mouth
drawing blood with words
the taste of cooper coins
seep through clenched teeth.
I’m so used to feeling empty that
I’m not sure I was every anything more
She always told me to love with
everything but everything’s never
I’m always left
with deep wounds left to be stitched
in the comfort of my own solitude
I honour each wound by
their hands by creating my own
so I’m not sure which one was yours
I thought it would be the deepest
but they all look the same to me now
you’re all the fucking same to me now
I’m not sure what happened,
but somewhere along the line our nothing became something to me.
the worst part about that is
now every fibre of my being is screaming to run,
to ruin it.
it’s screaming that it’s one-sided.
my heart is bursting into flames,
yours is trying to pour cold water to douse me with pain.
that I’m preparing myself to run into a brick wall again,
and soon enough I’ll be covered in bruises.
I didn’t want this to be anything,
and the problem is that it isn’t anything.
my heart has tried to plant its roots in your garden
while yours is trying to pick me out like a weed.
and my mind is saying
to stop trying to grow with you because
I’m not a flower you’re willing to feed.
though I’m unsure if my mind is playing tricks again,
and I’m not sure if you’re just a friend.
the worst part?
I don’t want to ask,
because frankly.. I’m scared to be right.
with being committed to our inconsistency
I’m fine with it being
one sided most of the time
For nothing is more fearsome
than actual commitment to me
I’m afraid to give my all to someone again
Yet.. isn’t that what I’ve done?
Maybe that’s why I hold onto you
You’ve created a balance
that I’ve never experienced
You settle and create chaos,
which gives me life
Yet disappear and allow me to roam free
Boundaries are something I avoid
Yet, I’ve bound myself to you
I no longer feel the void
The void of loneliness in my chest
Even though I’m always alone
I’m content in this nothingness that
I’ve allowed to become my everything
You’ve become my everything
Yet we are nothing
And that’s okay