names

when they said his name, I didn’t think of the way his hand touched mine. for a second I forgot about the words I spit from my mouth when his tried to taste my tongue. no, I thought of when he spoke your name and asked what I saw in you. I remember that night you kept me safe when his hungry eyes saw me as nothing more than a mouse to chase. I may not remember that night, but I’ll never forget that in my darkest hours you were my light. I was the match and you were my flame. now you’re nothing but a burned out wick and I’m smoke in the wind. memories of us have began to fade but I’ll never forget how we burned together.

dear god, we could have set the world on fire.

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she spoke with my voice

She touched me, although I’m not sure if she is a she. Her voice was my own, which is why I make this possibly false claim. Although there’s no face, and she has no name.

 A quiet whisper is now a subtle voice, I felt her hands on my skin tonight. Telling me it would be okay, that I didn’t need anyone else that with me she’d stay. I’ve been so alone, that it was nice to feel warmth of her touch. 

I’m not sure if that’s crazy, although I don’t care too much. Her skin was dark, not like skin but soot. I could nearly differentiate the shadows from where lay her foot. 

This is not the first time, though this time I don’t want her to go. There’s this feeling of buzzing, this noise of which I cannot stray. She made it all go silent, within that moment I was okay.

cleanse

trying to find a reason to live in empty bottles, that maybe after my fourth or fifth I’ll find hope at the bottom. I’m on my sixth but I don’t care to keep count anymore.

for I’ve found more hope in the bottom of empty wishing wells than I’ve managed to find in the deepest corners of my mind.

 Im tired of tearing my mind apart in hopes of removing the memories you’ve left in me, for they’ve become ingrained in every part of me.

my skin crawls like when you were next to me. Something no shower can remove, no matter how many I take. It always feels like there’s a layer I cannot remove, one that can be temporarily hidden under the blood I’ve bled.

instead I pour alcohol down my throat, not that I want to drink.. but in hopes I’ll feel it cleanse me from the inside out

just for one night .. 

branded

The numbing of my knuckles as they come in contact over and over with the tiles wet from the shower I’m using to try to feel clean again.

Somehow I still feel their hands on me. Fingerprints left like stains, they feel like a birthmark I wish I was never born with but I was never born with it.

Instead I was branded.

They were not something you could wash away, skin deep. I’ve tried to dig them out, believe me 
I tried.

My body is my home and I never invited them in. They threw a welcome party, one that costed me the cleanliness of my own skin.

hot water for cold thoughts

Water droplets dripping off my hands,
Pooling on the the floor beneath
As I soak in this bath
that I’ve ran too warm

Hoping to singe the skin
I no longer feel fits me
Given no satisfaction as there’s
a barrier of numbness, like a cage wrapped around my limbs

Slowly, I can feel myself drifting off
into the nothingness I’m oh so used to
This protective shield that keeps
my gentle heart guarded

The problem with barriers is mine
has become impenetrable
I’ve become insensitive,
unresponsive
to my surroundings

The happiness I once felt is a dull sensation, if anything at all

Sinking lower,
I can feel the water rising
Oh how I wish I could lay beneath
the surface without a need for air

Although
I long to feel the water fill my lungs,
I cannot take that last breath
Instead I float in the emptiness
that’s become my mind

The dull numbness has now become
a fierce flame
Though I do not move
As my eyelids close to allow the pain
to seep through every crevice

I accept it,
No, I welcome it

For I’d rather feel pain than
the hollow sensation that’s been growing within me

The water has pooled over the edge
As my mind follows
It’s become too much,
I can no longer contain it
I watch as it spills onto the tiles
Filling the cracks with my
overflowing emotions that
I’ve bottle up for who knows how long

Again, wishing for satisfaction
that never arrives
Left longing for some sort of emotion to creep up from the darkness
But left with the disappointing
reality of nothingness

I’ve become a shell,
desperately awaiting for my mind to come home