People always ask, why did you stay?
Not, why did she hurt you?
Almost as if they thought it was my fault I got hurt. See the only thing I thought I learned was that love was supposed to hurt.
That’s why my self-love is some how equal to my self-worth, myself hurt. The reason why when my partner goes to hold me, I flinch first. And I’m so tired of having to explain it’s nothing they did.
How it’s my fault that trauma rewired my brain to fear every unprepared touch, every kiss.. do you know what it’s like to retract in fear when my love goes to kiss me? It breaks my heart in two.
It was never supposed to be this way but it will be this way until I get you out of the way.
Erase you from my mind, find my home in this body that I felt like I’d been evicted from.
One day I won’t write about you, one day I won’t try to cut your fingerprints out of my skin, one day I’ll be me again.
Tongue like a spike in my own mouth
drawing blood with words
the taste of cooper coins
seep through clenched teeth.
I’m so used to feeling empty that
I’m not sure I was every anything more
She always told me to love with
everything but everything’s never
I’m always left
with deep wounds left to be stitched
in the comfort of my own solitude
I honour each wound by
their hands by creating my own
so I’m not sure which one was yours
I thought it would be the deepest
but they all look the same to me now
you’re all the fucking same to me now
I can’t stop crying and it’s not like a tear now and then. It won’t stop and I can’t stop, I don’t want to. I just feel so lonely, and not a lonely that I’m used to. I kept tell myself and others that you need to be okay on your own but I’m at the point where I’m always alone. I drive people away. I don’t have anybody. I keep thinking I have you but I’m not even sure I do anymore.
I think I’ve made up this delusion that you still care and are in my life, because without that I’d truly have nobody. I’ve opened up to you and I’m so scared that you’re closed off because that would cause everything to fall apart. We don’t even talk, and you’re not even there when I call half the time. Probably more than half the time.
But I think I would go crazy to know you’re actually gone. Though I also want to know if you are so I can hide away from everyone. Without worrying if I’m leaving anyone behind. I’m just.. I don’t even know anymore. I’m nothing.
I don’t want to exist, in some ways I feel like I don’t. How that is, I’m not quite sure. I mean I’m here but not you know?
I know you must get tired of my late night texts/calls, but if you’re up please answer. You’re the only person I have that I actually talk to and I’m just feeling.. I don’t even know..
Dialling your number with a sigh of regret, knowing there will be no answer. There never really is. While I’m laying in the dark, you’re swallowing down vodka and probably kissing a strange girl’s lips. I just need you right now, that’s all that this is. I just needed your voice, I just feel so low. I’m okay with just the bar noise or even if it’s only a “hello?”
lately, I only hear your voicemail recording
the drugs have stopped working
Not completely as some nights
I’m swept away with nothingness,
no recollection of how
I ended up with a pill bottle in my bed
Except now I’m forced to face the demons that dwell in my head
As their voices get louder
when the sun goes down
Or maybe the nightfall
is when I welcome them in
Sadness is my illness yet also my cure
I cannot fathom why I keep opening that door
I know there’s a solution
yet I don’t ask for more
I’m content with their company
I welcome their words
As they write these stories
They help fill the blurs
The blurs of nothingness and emptiness
For I’d rather be sad than feel nothing at all
I’d rather them here than be lonely awaiting your call
In the depth of the night
when I can’t reach your warmth
I close my eyes and let them come forth
Bad company is better than no company to me
I know that sounds self destructive,
but can’t you see
I’m a self destructive machine
awaiting the end zone
You know this,
I know this – it’s never been gone
The loneliness and my demons
are always beside me
Something you’re not,
but it’s something you see
I’m content by myself, as I’m alone
but with them I am not lonely