People always ask, why did you stay?
Not, why did she hurt you?
Almost as if they thought it was my fault I got hurt. See the only thing I thought I learned was that love was supposed to hurt.
That’s why my self-love is some how equal to my self-worth, myself hurt. The reason why when my partner goes to hold me, I flinch first. And I’m so tired of having to explain it’s nothing they did.
How it’s my fault that trauma rewired my brain to fear every unprepared touch, every kiss.. do you know what it’s like to retract in fear when my love goes to kiss me? It breaks my heart in two.
It was never supposed to be this way but it will be this way until I get you out of the way.
Erase you from my mind, find my home in this body that I felt like I’d been evicted from.
One day I won’t write about you, one day I won’t try to cut your fingerprints out of my skin, one day I’ll be me again.
Tongue like a spike in my own mouth
drawing blood with words
the taste of cooper coins
seep through clenched teeth.
I’m so used to feeling empty that
I’m not sure I was every anything more
She always told me to love with
everything but everything’s never
I’m always left
with deep wounds left to be stitched
in the comfort of my own solitude
I honour each wound by
their hands by creating my own
so I’m not sure which one was yours
I thought it would be the deepest
but they all look the same to me now
you’re all the fucking same to me now
when they said his name, I didn’t think of the way his hand touched mine. for a second I forgot about the words I spit from my mouth when his tried to taste my tongue. no, I thought of when he spoke your name and asked what I saw in you. I remember that night you kept me safe when his hungry eyes saw me as nothing more than a mouse to chase. I may not remember that night, but I’ll never forget that in my darkest hours you were my light. I was the match and you were my flame. now you’re nothing but a burned out wick and I’m smoke in the wind. memories of us have began to fade but I’ll never forget how we burned together.
dear god, we could have set the world on fire.
I now know what it’s like to bite tongues that aren’t my own
Leaving fresh wounds,
Tasting their blood
Is better than my own
I clung to her clothes yet when she came there’d never be anyone home
I knew what it was like,
Maybe that’s why
I thought I deserved to feel what they did
To feel chased with no intention of slowing down
The feeling of freedom,
While passing my hand through her hair
I was never truly there
But it was nice to feel wanted without wanting
I let him get close, kept him near
In case I stumbled too far I wanted someone to lend an ear
This time it was me who didn’t say hi,
I didn’t say bye either
I just watched as she tried to reach through my barriers
This was something I watched you do and I was envious of the inaccessibility
Now I’m inaccessible
I’m not sure if this is what I wanted
But in the end, it’s better than being forgotten
We were so excited to spend fall together. You were going to play me songs on your guitar aside bonfires in your backyard, while I sit curled up beside you in your hoodie.
You promised me we’d have a candlelit bath and drink cheap wine, because you know how much I loved both.
We were supposed to spend Christmas together and watch movies, those stupid ones that everyone watches around the holidays. I do it every year, and you wanted to make me smile.
None of those actually happened. You even told me you’d spend my birthday with me.. but when the time came you were nowhere to be found.
Its almost summer now.
And now you’re not even around.
Isn’t it funny how things work out?
Now I wonder if your “I miss you” was just a whiskey-fuelled way to keep me around. I’m tired of being that late night call, knowing you smell of cheap booze and cigarettes while I lay in bed wrapped in your t-shirt. You feed me sweet words and empty promises that I know have no substance but it keeps me going. I feed off of your distance, it keeps me grounded. You’ve become my centre, and I’m left wandering aimlessly as pieces, hoping you’ll bring me back together. I’m tired of leaving messages that go unanswered, of being nothing to you until you’re satisfied with where we stand. Reeling me back in like a fish on a line, with no intentions of unleashing the hook you’ve pierced through my lip. And I haven’t realized the damage it’s done because each time it rips, you kiss it better. I don’t know any better. And you know that.
What will it take? Until you tear me apart?
Don’t leave. I’m so used to people leaving, and believing their soft spoken lies saying they’ll always be by my side.
I believed yours, yet you’ve proven time again that you’re no better than them. Your mouth forms pretty lies that you’re able to hide behind.
You didn’t want to hurt me, what a fucking lie. If you didn’t want to hurt me, you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t. But you, did time after time.
Don’t leave, please. I know you said not to worry but I do, I do. Now I know it was for good reason, the words you said were never true.
For you left, you left, you left…
When we met, I was warned
Yet you weren’t my type so I took that warning lightly
You weren’t my type,
yet I’ve held on tightly
When you walked away the first time,
You’re not my type
Thinking that I’d be able to let this go, without a fight
But you were right
You’ll fall in love with me,
you said that night
You were right
Now all I think of is the way your eyes danced in the light
How I tried to hurt you due to spite
The times I tried to cause a fight
In hopes instead of walking away
You’d ask me this time just to stay
You were right
You were right
And now I try to keep my love at bay
For you didn’t stay
And I’m left feeling as though
my heart’s astray
The memory of you is a soft yellow hue, meaning somewhere in the pain and suffering you’ve brought comfort. Unfortunately, the yellow has been burning blue. Like the flame in my chest that has always been for you, too hot to touch but that’s something I knew.
I knew you would go, I knew it too well. That’s something I learned long before I fell. Falling for you was like a soft landing view on the pillows of your bed when I held onto you. I desperately want to create more memories with you, but you’re gone.
You’re gone, you’re gone.
Almost as though repeating it will drive the thought through my head. Yet I always set myself up with hope and am met with disappointment when I’m left with the realization that I’m always alone. I’ve always been alone. You’re something I’ve conjured up in hopes of being real..
When the only thing that’s real about this is how much you’ve made me feel.