a love poem for once 

I’m so used to writing out of sadness, that I’m unsure how to write about you. I’ve written about dark places and empty faces. How ex-lovers stripped colour from my world like I was nothing more than a scrapped canvas in their art exhibit. I’ve found difficulties in wording how you’ve slowly brought it back. That with each kiss on my lips placed by yours is filling each blank space in my heart like watercolour, bleeding love into every crack.

When one is so used to finding beauty in darkness, they’re often blinded by the light.

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I am not the girl of your dreams 

I have not and never will be the girl of your dreams. There will be days when I will hardly be your girl at all. That’s why I tell you that I’m no good because I want you to know it.

It’s not because I will not love you nor is it because I will leave. It’s because I may hold your heart too tight and crush it without notice or care. Or sometimes it will seem like I was never even there. I have a tendency to burn myself by holding flames that should never have been lit in the first place. 

I have burns in places that are scarred memories of the time I let myself burn where memories had withered, yet I stood until I was nearly ash. 

Please believe me when I say that I will not leave you. That is to say that when I do, it’s not because I did not love you. It’s because I loved you more than myself and did not want you to know me anymore than you do now. 

I am no good. I am afraid to love you as your smile screams to me like gasoline and I’m an untamed flame waiting for a spark. Your heart burns like a candle wick and I’m just looking for a reason to see in the dark. 

names

when they said his name, I didn’t think of the way his hand touched mine. for a second I forgot about the words I spit from my mouth when his tried to taste my tongue. no, I thought of when he spoke your name and asked what I saw in you. I remember that night you kept me safe when his hungry eyes saw me as nothing more than a mouse to chase. I may not remember that night, but I’ll never forget that in my darkest hours you were my light. I was the match and you were my flame. now you’re nothing but a burned out wick and I’m smoke in the wind. memories of us have began to fade but I’ll never forget how we burned together.

dear god, we could have set the world on fire.

promises mean nothing

We were so excited to spend fall together. You were going to play me songs on your guitar aside bonfires in your backyard, while I sit curled up beside you in your hoodie.

You promised me we’d have a candlelit bath and drink cheap wine, because you know how much I loved both.

We were supposed to spend Christmas together and watch movies, those stupid ones that everyone watches around the holidays. I do it every year, and you wanted to make me smile.

None of those actually happened. You even told me you’d spend my birthday with me.. but when the time came you were nowhere to be found.

Its almost summer now.
And now you’re not even around.

Isn’t it funny how things work out?

2:16am again

I can’t stop crying and it’s not like a tear now and then. It won’t stop and I can’t stop, I don’t want to. I just feel so lonely, and not a lonely that I’m used to. I kept tell myself and others that you need to be okay on your own but I’m at the point where I’m always alone. I drive people away. I don’t have anybody. I keep thinking I have you but I’m not even sure I do anymore.

I think I’ve made up this delusion that you still care and are in my life, because without that I’d truly have nobody. I’ve opened up to you and I’m so scared that you’re closed off because that would cause everything to fall apart. We don’t even talk, and you’re not even there when I call half the time. Probably more than half the time.

But I think I would go crazy to know you’re actually gone. Though I also want to know if you are so I can hide away from everyone. Without worrying if I’m leaving anyone behind. I’m just.. I don’t even know anymore. I’m nothing.

I don’t want to exist, in some ways I feel like I don’t. How that is, I’m not quite sure. I mean I’m here but not you know?

I know you must get tired of my late night texts/calls, but if you’re up please answer. You’re the only person I have that I actually talk to and I’m just feeling.. I don’t even know..

like a fish on a line

Now I wonder if your “I miss you” was just a whiskey-fuelled way to keep me around. I’m tired of being that late night call, knowing you smell of cheap booze and cigarettes while I lay in bed wrapped in your t-shirt. You feed me sweet words and empty promises that I know have no substance but it keeps me going. I feed off of your distance, it keeps me grounded. You’ve become my centre, and I’m left wandering aimlessly as pieces, hoping you’ll bring me back together. I’m tired of leaving messages that go unanswered, of being nothing to you until you’re satisfied with where we stand. Reeling me back in like a fish on a line, with no intentions of unleashing the hook you’ve pierced through my lip. And I haven’t realized the damage it’s done because each time it rips, you kiss it better. I don’t know any better. And you know that.

What will it take? Until you tear me apart?

voicemail

Dialling your number with a sigh of regret, knowing there will be no answer. There never really is. While I’m laying in the dark, you’re swallowing down vodka and probably kissing a strange girl’s lips. I just need you right now, that’s all that this is. I just needed your voice, I just feel so low. I’m okay with just the bar noise or even if it’s only a “hello?”

lately, I only hear your voicemail recording

beer reminds me of her

I taste beer off of strangers tongues, reminds me of when our lips met on your fathers deck. The smell always made me sick but how I wish I could have one more chance to run my hand around your neck. To hold you on a couch that’s just small enough for two, and how scared I was of falling in love but you made it easy to.

Oh how I wish there was still something between me and you

don’t 

Don’t leave. I’m so used to people leaving, and believing their soft spoken lies saying they’ll always be by my side.

I believed yours, yet you’ve proven time again that you’re no better than them. Your mouth forms pretty lies that you’re able to hide behind.

You didn’t want to hurt me, what a fucking lie. If you didn’t want to hurt me, you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t. But you, did time after time.

Don’t leave, please. I know you said not to worry but I do, I do. Now I know it was for good reason, the words you said were never true.

For you left, you left, you left…

time

We’ve walked the dark sides
of each other’s minds
and came out with cobwebs.
Shed blood through our
blade wielded words.
Which left stains
in form of memories
that are only reminders
of the pain we’ve caused.
You taught me how to
spit venom when I talk
And I showed you that
there’s power behind
syllables and rhyme.

In the end,
I was less vulnerable
and you learned to speak your mind.

The only thing I wish we had..
was a little bit more time