One day I’ll leave you behind

People always ask, why did you stay?
Not, why did she hurt you?

Almost as if they thought it was my fault I got hurt. See the only thing I thought I learned was that love was supposed to hurt.

That’s why my self-love is some how equal to my self-worth, myself hurt. The reason why when my partner goes to hold me, I flinch first. And I’m so tired of having to explain it’s nothing they did.

How it’s my fault that trauma rewired my brain to fear every unprepared touch, every kiss.. do you know what it’s like to retract in fear when my love goes to kiss me? It breaks my heart in two.

It was never supposed to be this way but it will be this way until I get you out of the way.

Erase you from my mind, find my home in this body that I felt like I’d been evicted from.

One day I won’t write about you, one day I won’t try to cut your fingerprints out of my skin, one day I’ll be me again.

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you’re all the fucking same to me now

Tongue like a spike in my own mouth
drawing blood with words
the taste of cooper coins
seep through clenched teeth.
I’m so used to feeling empty that
I’m not sure I was every anything more
She always told me to love with
everything but everything’s never
good enough

I’m always left
with deep wounds left to be stitched
in the comfort of my own solitude
I honour each wound by
their hands by creating my own
so I’m not sure which one was yours
I thought it would be the deepest
but they all look the same to me now

you’re all the fucking same to me now

a love poem for once 

I’m so used to writing out of sadness, that I’m unsure how to write about you. I’ve written about dark places and empty faces. How ex-lovers stripped colour from my world like I was nothing more than a scrapped canvas in their art exhibit. I’ve found difficulties in wording how you’ve slowly brought it back. That with each kiss on my lips placed by yours is filling each blank space in my heart like watercolour, bleeding love into every crack.

When one is so used to finding beauty in darkness, they’re often blinded by the light.

names

when they said his name, I didn’t think of the way his hand touched mine. for a second I forgot about the words I spit from my mouth when his tried to taste my tongue. no, I thought of when he spoke your name and asked what I saw in you. I remember that night you kept me safe when his hungry eyes saw me as nothing more than a mouse to chase. I may not remember that night, but I’ll never forget that in my darkest hours you were my light. I was the match and you were my flame. now you’re nothing but a burned out wick and I’m smoke in the wind. memories of us have began to fade but I’ll never forget how we burned together.

dear god, we could have set the world on fire.

2:16am again

I can’t stop crying and it’s not like a tear now and then. It won’t stop and I can’t stop, I don’t want to. I just feel so lonely, and not a lonely that I’m used to. I kept tell myself and others that you need to be okay on your own but I’m at the point where I’m always alone. I drive people away. I don’t have anybody. I keep thinking I have you but I’m not even sure I do anymore.

I think I’ve made up this delusion that you still care and are in my life, because without that I’d truly have nobody. I’ve opened up to you and I’m so scared that you’re closed off because that would cause everything to fall apart. We don’t even talk, and you’re not even there when I call half the time. Probably more than half the time.

But I think I would go crazy to know you’re actually gone. Though I also want to know if you are so I can hide away from everyone. Without worrying if I’m leaving anyone behind. I’m just.. I don’t even know anymore. I’m nothing.

I don’t want to exist, in some ways I feel like I don’t. How that is, I’m not quite sure. I mean I’m here but not you know?

I know you must get tired of my late night texts/calls, but if you’re up please answer. You’re the only person I have that I actually talk to and I’m just feeling.. I don’t even know..

I don’t want you to go, but I won’t ask you to stay

I panicked
You talked about leaving
If you left, when would I see you
Would I see you
Or would you disappear like you always do

I tried to comfort you
That maybe staying there wasn’t so bad
But I knew it was
I eventually told you
If you’re unhappy here, leave

I’d rather watch you leave happy
than know you’re so afraid

Though my heart screamed
‘Please, don’t go’
‘I need you here’
‘You’re the only reason I’m here too’

But I know you better
You never listen to me
You hardly listen to yourself
I know you’ll be gone
And I’ll be by myself

And I know this is something
I’ve said many times before
Though you may be gone for now
My heart always welcomes you
Like an open door

darling, I’d care 

You joked about killing yourself,
that nobody would care
I know you well enough to know
it wasn’t serious
but it was to much for me to bear

Without second guessing I yelled across the parking lot..

…”me, I’d care”

It was a reaction I hadn’t thought about
I didn’t mean to yell it out
But I would be sadden by your death,

I confessed how much you meant to me
I’m tired of holding it in my chest,
letting it burrow in my hallow hole
that’s become a nest
For unsaid words and untaken actions,
all of my “what next”

Lie to me, with me, whichever 

I know,
I promised you’d never hear from me again
But sometimes, I break promises

I break them when I don’t want to
When I don’t know what else to do
I come to you

Sometimes,
the weight on my chest
makes it hard to breathe

And you’re like a breath of fresh air

I want you to be here
But I know you’re not there
It’s not fair

Sometimes, I’ll sit in the dark
Letting time pass
Hoping to hear from you

Waiting for a message

that may never come

Hoping that maybe, I’m wrong this time

I’m never wrong but, dear god
I would choose to never be right again
As long as I get to hear your voice
And have you next to me in bed

Sometimes, I lie

I told you
that you’d never hear from me again,

hoping you’d ask me not to go this time

Bound to You

sure, you stayed in my heart.
but that doesn’t mean you stayed.
for you left long ago, but your
presence still lingers.

you’ve become the vine that’s
twisted its way through

the concrete walls that confine my heart,

i had built these walls
so high, hoping to create
an unclimbable boundary.
sealing off any chance
of vulnerability

yet, you are not only
within my boundaries.

you’ve become a part of them

You’ve locked the doors again

When it’s late, and I can’t sleep..
I throw on your shirt
that no longer smells of you.
Somehow, it helps me remember
your hands holding me in the night.

You’ve run away again,

but as always you’re not far.
You’ve chosen to close yourself off
as I desperately try to pry my way in.

It’s not long before I realize
there’s no way to open your doors,
my keys no longer fit.

They’ve never fit.

You’ve just left it unlocked sometimes.

So I just stand outside,
Watching your lights flicker
I know you’re there,
but I also know you’re not

Emotionally unavailable
From 5am texts to no replies
I’m used to being denied
You’re uneasy with being vulnerable

When you’re ready, you know
that when you open those doors
I’ll be there to hold you,

I’m not going anywhere