October 18th / The Day I Admitted It

Something about her made me uneasy,
but that same feeling drew me closer.  

I’ve always been drawn to danger,
to ‘complicated’.
It’s always been my downfall
but it’s what keeps me alive.

I feel high when I’m with her
and it’s not just the drugs I’m on.
That’s how I know I’m in too deep.
She was my getaway,
My go to
But how am I supposed to go to you
When it’s an issue between us two.

I know I don’t deal with emotions properly.

You must now realize
that when I run to you for my problems I will run from ours.
Not in just a metaphorical sense,
you now know it’s sometimes literal.

I’m willing to give you space,
because after all
I’ve done this before.
I’ve waited and I’ll wait again.

I’ve tried so hard in the past
to move on and even now I’m trying.

Nothing feels right,
I don’t want to hear their laugh..
or see their smile.
I want you curled up in my arms
as you complain about work
or how greasy your hair is.

I want to kiss your still lips,
caress your face..
I want to run my fingers along your body until you close your eyes and rest your head against my chest.

I keep thinking
About that first night
That I spent with you in July,
I laughed in your face when you said it because I thought you were crazy.

Over and over, I hear you say…

“You’re going to fall in love with me”.

I thought to myself this girl is nuts,
yet here I am,
fall has started
and the leaves are falling
and each night still plays in my head.

– I don’t want to say it because those words are a little much, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel close.


You’ve Become Home

I almost cried last night.
This time was different.
This time out of happiness.

We sat on the floor drinking whiskey and sang songs from our childhood.
I was comfortable,
and you could tell
when you started to get close
– my nerves started again.

You kissed me
and asked why I was nervous.
You could tell the difference in the way I pressed my lips against yours that my heart was beating out of my chest.

I fall further each time I see you.

A part of me believes you were only this way because you were drinking,
but the rest of me holds on to the fact that you held my hand
and showed me your favourite songs.

You reassured me it wasn’t just the whiskey that made you want me.

This is enough.
This is why I hold onto you.
Something in my body longs for you after I leave.

Which means something, right?

Even if this is all I get from you,
certain nights out of the blue
to come lay with you
Almost as if things haven’t changed

I almost cried because
I held you in my arms, in the dark.
You complained about work.
You complained about your hair.

You didn’t complain about having me there.

It reminded me of that first night we had spent together in the summer

My heart was reopened, just for you.

Which is terrifying because it’s reassuring me that I have fallen for you.
We laughed
about how we weren’t with anyone else,
then held each other on the floor

You make me so god damn happy and sad that I not need look anywhere else.

For you have filled my heart
with joy and sorrow which is something I’ve not felt in a while.
You filled the emptiness with light again.

I regret seeing you
because it’s that much harder to let go when I fall in love over again.

But this time, I don’t want to let go

I don’t care if this is it.
I don’t care if you go.
Because now I know that this..
This is what fills my heart when I can’t feel at all.

You’re the house that holds my heart and all I ever wanted to do was come home. 

I’ll Be Here, Even If You’re Not

I held you
like I wouldn’t get the chance again. Let’s be honest, I may not.

I had forgotten what it feels like
to have you in my arms.
I’ve forgotten your warmth,
that your hair smells of strawberries.
I kissed you as you slept,
knowing I might not be able to do this again for weeks.

I’m not sure what I’m doing,
I’m not sure if it matters anymore.
You know I love you,
and I don’t care
if I never end up with you.

This is enough for me.

– I’m okay on my own, as long as you’re by my side some of the time.

Numb Without You

I’m about 5 lines in,
the room is spinning.
Yet.. somehow I feel still.

I’m in a room of strangers
and my heart searches for you.
For that comfort
that will put my body to rest.
I’m on edge,
I need to feel your touch.

Their words are moving into sounds,
in the background of my mind
while I dream of you.

Not listening, but observing.
Not quite living, but surviving. 

– I wanted to feel something other than my need for you but all I feel is numbness and loneliness.

Hurricane Heart

Her distance was like an overpass on a rainy day,
providing comfort and warmth.
Allowing slight exposure
to her storm.
You could only stand so close.
As the closer you got to her boundaries.
The more careful you’d have to become.
Fascination dares you to step out into the cold night.

Knowing that she’d either drag you under,

Or you’d be enchanted with the beauty her chaos brings.

– I would step out in a heartbeat, walking through her hurricane brings no fear to my mind. Not if reaching the eye of the storm, means she’ll be mine